The requirements are as simple as you could wish for - white shirt, white trousers, white jumper (with options around sleeves), white socks and white boots – which these days are really shoes but we love to doff our burgundy caps to that time ‘back in the day’ when you would whiten your footwear with something that looked like a bumper pack of tippex.
Such simplicity should ensure that uniformity on a Saturday is achieved and that the team really look like a team as they stride (limp or hobble) onto the manicured turf (as long as the mower hasn't been broken again) in advance of battle.
This is rarely the case in Village cricket as a desire for individuality and poor personal standards tends to warp the team photo in a way that suggests there is a cricket scene in ‘One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest’
While smart players tend to be very similar the scruffs are scruffy in their own individual way with each item of apparel tinkered with or neglected in its own way as the dressing room egos dress themselves up in displays of peacock type proportions, youthful slovenliness or the soup kitchen poster boy look. These "idiosyncrasies” can be viewed as an adorable part of village cricket life and as a display of confidence and character by the liberal minded but they always include the Three Ds…
There are the deluded (wearing their district under 14 cap ten years on), the increasingly rare Dandies (Cravat, Straw hat while umpiring) and the Disgusting (old kit that houses the North West Agricultural Research Board’s mushroom collection).
Farmyard sees this kind of non- conformity as a statement of unnecessary individuality bordering on defiance of the necessity for togetherness. There’s no ‘I’ in team but there are currently 4 or 5 scruffy gits who could be entered for the Turner Prize – or if they stand still for long enough could be recycled by accident.
Yes Standards Are Standards. One thing our current touring national team do well is “Looking good" - matching shirts, caps, trousers, sweaters and boots. If they didn’t have that they would have nothing.
So what to do – well analyse your own Village Idiots from head to toe and apply Farmyard’s commandments – yes I am coming down from the mountain with a set of rules scribbled on a mini bat signed by the 1973 touring New Zealanders. I am your Moses and I will lead you to the Promised Land (subject to prompt payment of 2014 match fees)
CAP - club crested and maroon is exemplary and plain maroon is acceptable as it shows the player has made an effort. However, a garish coloured black & gold or green & orange striped old school / club effort is worthy of a heavy fine and the player should be dropped - you are no longer playing for Old Sodsonians in the Wessex Div 2 where you once (allegedly) scored 1500 runs before the end of May. You are now playing in our Cheshire spud field, thou shalt wear maroon and you shall attempt to up your average from last season's less than impressive 11.2 batting at 3.
SHIRT - club crested and piped with maroon is exemplary whilst a white collared dress shirt is acceptable - you are, after all, a schoolboy, accountant or policeman giving your valuable time for the good of your club. A white collarless t shirt is unacceptable and you will be fined heavily and dropped. You are a cricketer in Cheshire and certain standards are expected – the press could turn up any time.
If you wish to attend the ground dressed as an ice cream van driver then go ahead – but make sure you bring your bloody van.
SWEATER - piped in maroon or plain white are acceptable. Absolutely NO evidence of other colours or team badges shall be visible as it will make you look like a ringer (admittedly VERY unlikely) or ineligible.
After the promotion scandal of 1971 we cannot afford to have our name dragged through the mud again and we now have Clubmark to think of (You may, however, wear a West Indies sweater as the colours are more or less the same and I am convinced that they got the idea form us.)
TROUSERS - laundered and pressed with the club crest on the outer thigh is exemplary - your weekly selection is an absolute guarantee. If your whites are grassed stained, creased and have a faint aroma of stale sweat you are bordering on the unacceptable as you appear to be a slovenly youth. You will be monitored and you must exhibit the brains to read the instructions on the washing machine.
It’s also worth saying that a few ‘previous’ grass stains can helpfully give the impression that you have thrown yourself about a bit – and remember clean trousers going home say one thing and one thing only – game off, I have been in the pub all day and the text you got at 430 about the great teas was a fingers crossed job.
Draw string elasticated baggy pyjama type jogging bottoms in cream (particularly if combined with collarless t shirt) are unacceptable and you will be fined and dropped. This is not the 1990s, you are not MC Hammer – but it will be Hammer Time.
SOCKS - white, clean and sweet smelling: Exemplary. Off white or grey due to age or poor washing will be acceptable as long as they emit no overpowering smell in the confines of the changing room.
Loud colours or non-matching football/rugby socks are unacceptable and thou shalt be fined. This is a cricket club - choose your sport and dress accordingly. It is not a place for cross dressing (unless there is a fundraising element)
FOOTWEAR - spiked or pimple rubber soled sports shoes designed for the purpose of playing cricket. There shall be no coloured laces, luminous basketball boots or Dunlop Green Flash plimsolls which will have you skating around the square exhibiting a complete inability to remain vertical. Remember – you are not MC Hammer – or RUN DMC – or Dappy from N’Dubz. Sneakers are verboten!
So there you have it Farmyard’s commandments – a guide to the simplicity of dressing correctly for the sport that we all love.
As England have shown, a smartly turned out team is not always winning team but at least we won't look like a group of Village Idiots….
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