A QUESTION OF SPORT: Home Boy or Away Guy?

In the 1980’s, A Question of Sport (not QofS as they insist on calling it nowadays) was one of the highlights of the week at Farmyard Towers. Crofter claims to have been a Mastermind man ‘before it got dumbed down’.

Coleman was in charge of the esteemed captains.  Emlyn Hughes being mates with Princess Anne, a highly excitable Willie Carson, the gravitas of Gareth Edwards and Big Bill Beaumont and a pre knighthood Beefy Botham complete with a blonde mullet.

Even the individual rounds had names that could have graced quiz shows on their own: The Picture Board, Mystery Guest and What Happens Next –and whenever it was a cricket one the average village cricketer was genetically pre-disposed to say ‘that once happened in a game I played in’.

What ‘floodlight failure?’

All of it enthralled. But the round that got the juices flowing was always "Home or Away?" It was a classic conundrum - safety at home where you know all of the ins and outs of your undoubted area of expertise or to go for the unknown and chance your arm "Away" for the kudos of a big win?

They may as well have asked are you a shire horse or a show pony?

A typical home question would regularly include reference to an event the contestant was actually in – but no one claimed it was University Challenge – it was like cricket back then – meant to be entertainment.  There were players who always preferred to stay at home and others who revelled in the danger and the thrill of going "Away" – and like a junior breaking into the senior ranks they’d consult their captain for advice if the team was in a hole. …and it would be as unhelpful.

Much is the same with humble village cricketers and within any club there are those who prefer to travel and those who don't: Home Boys and Away Guys.

Some they want to maximise the day out, but the home lover knows his patch and is comfortable there.

He has his own seat in the changing room that comes complete with a broken coat hook (snapped off by a flying Slazenger in a fit of pique in 1994 after a particularly poor LBW decision) and a single old and twisted metal hanger on which to hang trousers that were a perfect fit when he bought them (along with a lottery ticket for the very first draw).

He has his home game rituals - bacon sandwich for breakfast (brown sauce) a sneaky pre-match pint at the local (don't tell the skipper or the wife) – and this is justified by peering at the percentages on the hand pump and saying’ I better go for that at 3.8%!’

Early arrival at the ground allows him to sneak in the rope at cow corner and increase his chances of double figures.

He enjoys the familiarity of his customary 10 minute gentle throw down net (Lane 1 of course) provided by the juniors who have been pressed into service due to the on-going (i.e. never ending) selection crisis (his rank pulling is second to none). He then sits and inwardly chuckles at the arriving opposition's expressions of incredulity when they see the state of the away team changing room.

One major hurdle our homeboy has to negotiate is the avoidance of having to provide the tea - he told the selection committee that he may be late after resting after a hard night shift; the task is invariably given to some other poor bugger.

If he performs well and in the unlikely event that he gets a sweat on, the homie is near home. He knows that a hot and refreshing shower is available 5 minutes away. The alternative, and much as he loves the home fixtures, are showers that have featured on Horrible Histories – and Spingwatch – and that’s some double.

The bar (a technical Village term for a hatch) has his familiar and favourite brews. He knows this as he personally contributes by writing out a list for whoever goes to Costco. He can take his fill, stagger home with his tales of heroic deeds and pick his car up in the morning.

For the away-boy almost every trip is a Jolly Boys outing - He is a maverick. He loves the thrill of the less familiar and either;

(1) Loves the elaborate chess game that is the avoidance of having to drive. He positions himself expertly and deftly into the most luxurious travelling vehicle available (passenger seat, of course, after shouting "Shotgun”) He's down with the kids to a degree but takes charge of the audio equipment and selects TMS (naturally) and avoids any ‘banging tunes’.

Typical conversation in this car ‘anyone want the low down on the oppo?’ followed by ‘No’ followed by Passenger boy carrying on regardless.

Typical back seat comment ‘I am just texting Dave to see if I can go back with him’

Or;

(2) Loves to drive, has picnic stuff and drives a non-mainstream vehicle that he has a name for. Mildly eccentric and talking to himself he gives the passengers the sense that they are actually being kidnapped.  

Typical conversation ‘why are we listening to TMS when rain has stopped play? Reply ‘That’s the best bit’.

Typical backseat comment ‘It feels like we are in a Coen Brother film’

When it comes to navigation and the journey itself, there are a number of scenarios that apply regularly – and here we have non-drivier away guy in mind….

“We will go to the pub en route" - It's his day out away from the stresses and strains of work & family and he will not let the small matter of a cricket match and the missing of the warm up drills get in the way of a some old school hydration at the country pub with the notoriously attractive bar staff.

"It's not my fault that we appear to be gridlocked in the centre of Stockport with no real clue as to where the ground actually is." - Tardiness does not overly concern him as, if they are batting first, their late arrival will push him down the order and give him a stay of execution from their rampant quick who took 7-12 the previous week. He will also, again, miss the warm up.

“We will go straight there, I know the way as I have played there many times before" - This reaffirms his seniority in the group as he recounts his (alleged) match winning unbeaten 89 at the same ground in 1996. He still won't take part in the warm up as he still has a bad back.

The game itself will follow its usual pattern... He will either a) get the best ball of the day, b) the only poor decision of the day (it definitely pitched outside leg AND was going over the top) or c) the one that misbehaved unbelievably as it leapt off a length off the dodgy track (on which the opposition racked up 303-2 from their 45 overs batting first)

Despite all of this, there are things guaranteed by an away trip... He will enjoy his tea and will not have to suppress his guilt about not helping with the washing up AND if it is one of those on-off rainy days he will be able to relax and observe the mopping up operation from a near horizontal position in the pavilion with no necessity to make any excuses for his laziness. As a true village player he can enjoy his afternoon almost regardless of playing content.

On completion of the match our away day coordinator will insist on revisiting the Dog & Parrot in that small village near Knutsford.  He will do this because he has a delusion that afflicts Villagers regularly

‘You know that Brenda behind the bar at the Parrot? She was giving me …..’ and at this point there is a perfectly timed groan from the rest of the travelling pack who 20 minutes later are talking in a civilised fashion with said Brenda and asking how the cataract operation went.

Of course our driver is now bouncing of the walls in a sugar induced frenzy following the consumption of so many non-alcoholic fizzy drinks. But our non-driving away boy is afflicted by another Village Curse – Driver Care Blindspot. DCB is typified by phrases such as ‘I’ve just been bought another’ and ‘we have only just got here’ and ‘what do you mean you’ve booked a table.’

But eventually he is pulled away – and all the guys he was laying into on the way over are now long lost brothers bonded in combat on the fields of Albion. Yes even this lump can get teary.

So the travelling cricketers eventually return to their home ground the Homeboy and Away Guy are reunited and complete their Saturdays in an identical fashion: overstating their contribution and the standard of the opposition - They have one more for the road, they ruminate about their good play or poor fortune at great length, and they stagger home. They are two sides of one coin

….and you know the guy with a name for his car….He walks past, strokes her and says ‘See you tomorrow love’.