If you could pick just one player....

You are talking one of the greatest: Malcolm Marshall

There have been strong words exchanged in the score hut over the last week. The Atlantic gales rattling the timbers have drowned out the heated debate as Farmyard and Crofter have failed to find consensus on which of the greats they think could cut it at village level?

It’s a big question. From the history of the game which one player would you add to your list of eligible players to be submitted to the league by 1 April?

Now for Wisden picking their 5 players of the last century it’s pretty easy – it’s primarily about playing. ICC world ranking (so we are told) are based on an algorithm (that’s a complicated sum type thing) so must be right …..but for the Villager it’s more complicated.

Your ideal player needs to contribute with bat and ball – so ideally an all-rounder or at the very least a proven ability to chip in, be a partnership breaker or ‘be a useful bowling option’.

Being a big character is another asset. Unlike the ECB the Village Dressing Room cannot just manage egos, it thrives on them.  Most importantly we need a man that ‘is a great laugh’ and ‘doesn’t take himself too seriously’ and most of all ‘is a good club man’ and the watermark that runs through the paper we write these rules on?

It’s one of the Villages commandments.  You could write it on the dressing room wall.

‘If you give it out you have got to be able to take it.’

Its 6 hours on a Saturday for us, there’s no tour bus, no team hotel, no breakfast briefing – we want to pack it all, have a beer and go home.  Just keep the language decent in front of the kids, try to have the correct change for subs and you are in.

So you can play, you have a personality and you can take a bit of stick, but you will need to contribute off the field. That outfield doesn’t cut itself – although the two people that do cut it will point out that most Village players think it does.

Now being a John Deere sit on mower accredited maintenance engineer is probably asking too much – but if we can trust you on the roller or with the scarifier then that’s a big help.  So while Flintoff ticks almost every box can you let him loose on the roller following the pedalo incident?

If the technical stuff isn’t your strength – can you turn on the charm in the raffle ticket sales department? Or could you be the man to man the barbeque at the beer festival (or you may have a significant other who is willing and able?)

Australia’s Matthew Haydn has published his own recipe books –and if it wasn’t for a lack of bowling he’d be nudging our top ten on this basis alone –and appearing on The Bake Off hasn’t done Michael Vaughn’s Village Index rating any harm.   

Coaching (loosely defined) is another asset - are you the man or woman to control 45 kids on  a Friday night who have just celebrated breaking up for half term with an espresso and a can of red bull?

So you are starting to get the picture – we need a maintenance man, a renaissance man, a polymath and a good laugh who isn’t going to leave the barbeque needing Red Adair to come out of retirement

We know you can play sunshine…but do you know someone who knows someone who can sort out the guttering?  

So a great bloke whose a great player. In that order.

So the arguing has to stop…here’s Crofter’s Quintet – five men on his all-time list, and he starts with his favourite player of all-time. A man who uttered the greatest cricket quote of all time, the greatest sports quote of all time, the greatest quote of all time.

‘I'll tell you what pressure is. Pressure is a Messerschmitt up your arse. Playing cricket is not.’

It goes without saying that if you can fly a Mosquito under enemy fire then you could probably master the sit on mower. An all-rounder, a massive character, Crofter thinks it hard to look past Keith Miller as your fantasy pick. So he’s a definite in Crofter’s quintet.

So who else? Fans of the blog will know that Farmyard and Crofter get misty eyed about the 80s and those big name players, especially the Windies. One thing the Villager really loves is turning up with some serious pace in the team – but who to pick?  That’s a tough one – but add in a bit of batting, a willingness to play when injured and a man with a record that’s never been bettered – you have to think of the late great Malcolm Marshall.  

One of the all-time greats who famously displayed a quality of playing on when injured – one hand in plaster, the other holding the bat.

From the same era Crofter thinks you’d have to have Sir Viv – doubts remain about his skills in the raffle ticket sales department – but has any player been as feared by the opposition? Would any team not be improved by that swagger? Top fielding skills, occasional bowling and batting in a slot all Village teams struggle to fill – 3.

Also up there – legendary fundraiser, hell raiser, wine expert and all-rounder Sir Ian Botham. Obviously a risk that he’d ask you to walk from Lands’ end to John o Groats in the off season – but a bottle or two of his 2008 Botham Merrill Willis Cab Sav for post-match re-hydration is a winner. He’s a definite.

So who makes up the final slot in Crofter’s quintet – well we know that a Club needs to be frugal with its money and you need some grit – so we turn our heads East to Yorkshire and look to see if there is a player with good availability and embodies another of our golden rules.

You just don’t retire.

An example to the juniors with six hour nets – a man custom built to ensure you use up all your overs. It has to be the legendary Fred Boycott who captained the all-conquering Pudsey Plodders back in 1958 and 1959 and has gone from block to block ever since. Whether Fred would take the step down to our level – who knows – but he is in this top 5.

So there you go – Miller, Marshall, Richards, Botham and Boycott (F).

We’ll see what Farmyard’s list looks like in due course