If only talking (or tweeting) a good game translated into runs, wickets and scoreboard pressure.
But while his best days are behind him the true Villager is resolute in not just talking a good game, he has big plans for all aspects of his cricketing life, his team and his club. They say a man is not old until regrets replace his dreams - and the true Villager is a dreamer and for many the dream is a proper pre-season tour. It might not stretch to Barbados in March but there is some guy a the club who has been arranging a trip to some four team tournament in Majorca for the last 10 years…and was there ever a better time to look to sunnier climes?
With the next low pressure system clattering in and the flood waters gently lapping against the TV cabinet the village cricketer isn't doing the sensible thing like calling the insurance company or the local builder . He is dreaming of the pre-season tour.
His plans will not be knocked off course by some triple vortex Atlantic superstorm.
‘I’ve played in worse’
His gear is in the loft, safe and dry. He’s even looking forward to scraping the moss from the artificial wicket at this month’s working party if the flood waters subside. He’ll use the opportunity to meet up with team mates not seen since September and dream.
‘This time next year we’ll be in…..’
Well the scale of the pre-season tour varies.
Your County side packs up bags and bags of new matching sponsored kit and is driven to the airport on the team coach, from where they speed south to Johannesburg or Capetown for warm weather training and a knockabout on flat tracks against various tired District XI s
The clubs that nestle in the heart of footballer’s wives territory might jet away and grab some cricket in the West Indies – having to work hard to avoid the distraction of all-inclusive cocktails, sea fishing trips and the inevitable "Who can do the best Freddie?" nocturnal pedalo competition.
The Villager dreams of La Manga but – as per last year - have booked themselves into a one night DB&B break under the guise of a bonding/golfing trip that for vague sporting reasons includes a brewery tour.
These excursions have replaced the 5 games in 5 days (with no rest day) tours of the 1980's due to the fact that they have all grown old at the same time and the youth of today (who could easily cope with such a hectic physical schedule) don't travel further than their wi-fi coverage – and the dreaded Xbox has replaced late night card and darts games.
All this said the clamour amongst the clubs stalwarts and inner management circle to be part of these trips was momentous. Holiday requests are placed at work and if the boss is not forthcoming it is no coincidence that an estranged but dear old relative passed away just at the same time to enable special compassionate leave for the funeral. Yes good old great Uncle Alf, slipping this mortal coil on time every time - third weekend in March.
It is on the tour that hopes and dreams of our VI's for the forthcoming season are vocalised along with classic tales of glories past whilst partaking of many late night beers and even an impromptu game of Kwik Cricket in the car park. The season's first "in jokes" are developed, new nicknames given and stories of not so youthful exuberance are passed into folklore.
"Remember the trip to see Crazy Mick's house in Hampshire and not being allowed out of the car even when we were bursting for the loo?!"
"Remember the chairman falling asleep at the foot of the hotel stairs or on the toilet after the ill-advised mass consumption of Leffe?!"
"Remember being sooo drunk that we were asked to leave a Yates' wine lodge for playing an imaginary game of cricket in the bar when the bowler insisted on coming off his long run?!"
This bonding is essential for the Village Idiot as it steels the members and gives them 36 hours of joy prior to the long slog that is yet another season strapped to the Relegation Rollercoaster.
As a concession to the sporting nature of the Village Idiot’s pre-season, there still has to be a little exercise, even nowadays, on any tour. This may come in the guise of a gentle stroll after breakfast to work off that 3rd sausage at breakfast and a round of golf.
This will be this year's first expedition into the sporting arena for most of our ageing Village Idiots and is the catalyst to set the competitive juices flowing once more. Many hold and swing their clubs in an identical fashion to their Gray Nic or Mongoose and in July or August would be delighted to see the ball disappear over the trees at extra cover. In golf though, that is a bad thing.
Golf is not a game that one can excel at when doing it just once a year (much like the 20/20 cup cricket, where a fleeting and traditional preliminary round exit beckons). There are members of the tour party who have completed their clandestine preparation on the range or with on course lessons as they take a golfing victory to be the first important step towards topping the averages in September.
Such seriousness is frowned upon in VI circles – as we have heard before taking it too seriously is as much a sin as tanking. Middle of the road respectability is a good place to be.
Let’s be honest you want to share the great joy the party when the "pro" gets the yips on 17 & 18 and thus gifts victory (and the coveted prize of 3 Top Flite balls) to the self-confessed hacker who was only playing "to be sociable" or simply ‘to have a weekend away’
So, the pre-season tour, even at Villager level, has completed its vital function. It has got the players out of hibernation and had got them talking to each other. The greyhounds have glimpsed the hare- or perhaps more realistically the mutts have found the cupboard open and gorged themselves on winalot.
They have played a little sport, they have drank a lot of beer and they can see that the light has, once again, been switched on at the end of the close season tunnel (thanks to the electricity board who have been working round the clock)
The long Winter may yet have another sting in the tail with the book being open as to how many inches of snow will be covering the outfield on the 1st Saturday of April but our VI, thanks to the pre-season tour, is turning his mind to balmy evenings in June as opposed to barmy ones in February….
And then the prospect of a pre-season cricket excursion rears its head. The Sunday skipper has e-mailed the Committee as they meet. Pre-season game on offer just over the border in North Wales. The sun block is going in the bag right now.
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