Are you an A* Club Member? Then its time to take your cricket GCSE

You can turn your papers over....Now

It’s been a while, and we know that sports fans all over the world have been left disappointed by the lack of updates on the blog but F&C have had to don their vintage whites and take to the field of play.

Not for them the joys of the side-lines – mixing expert punditry with all our yester-years. It’s that ‘Great Availability Crisis’ time of the year – a plague that sweeps the land in a society that has its priorities all wrong.

Higher up the pyramid there’s a club pro and a clutch of twenty some-things going places (and places they are not going – like B&Q) – but as we drift down to the village the backbones (can you have 2?) of the team are juniors and the forty-fifty-sixty some-things.

For availability committees everywhere May and June, before the Uni boys are back sees the national game face its biggest threat: GCSEs.

Yes the media studies course work is finished but there are three exams and the last one is just before the longest day. Yes ‘the future’ will be available for selection as the nights start to draw in.

While the country faces an obesity crisis its fresh faces are spending the days when the sun sets at 9pm to revise their press release drafting skills (by playing on their x-boxes) – when they could be playing cricket. This is a crucial point in talent pipeline, many drift away– 5, 6 or 7 years of Friday night coaching lost forever.

The answer – Exams in March – or at the very least finishing before the 3^rd Saturday in April.

A more radical alternative – a Cricket GCSE. Course work mainly, but exams on the laws, history, catering, ground work and leadership skills – with the A* grade restricted to those players who have sent a text to the Skippers by Tuesday.

You can almost see the questions on paper.

Question 1: ‘You need 14 points to avoid relegation in a rain affected TACS Cheshire Cricket league game, what do you do on winning the toss?’ (12 Marks)

No dumbing down there, in fact that might be an A level question

Question 2: ‘Unreliable Dave Show Pony is willing to play in the season’s last game as you push for promotion, he’s a complete arse but can bat 3 and bowl 15 overs – you have 11 regulars available what do you do?’ (12 marks)

That’s a tough one, or is it.

Question 3: ‘The ball is lofted towards the outfield and hits a stray cow on the full and is caught by a fielder. You are umpiring and the skipper is on 46. What do you do?’  (2 marks)

That’s easier.

Question 4: ‘Who was the first wicket-keeper to 200 test dismissals?’ (2 Marks)

That’s a gimmie. Oh come on, surely you know that?

Question 5: ‘The batsman hooks and the ball hits his visor. The bails are dislodged and you find that his false teeth have come out and dislodged a bail. Is he out?’ (2 marks).

You might be touching full marks here.

So there you go. If you have made yourself available for every Saturday – you have 70 out of 70 on course alone – and the questions above can turn you’re a grade into an A*.

So how did you do?

Answers (1) who knows (2) stick with the guys that got you there (3) it’s a four, no really it’s a four, brace yourself for an onslaught from the oppo (4) Godfrey Evans (5) he’s out

Certificate in the post.